


Connor Squarepants: The Movie

by Skellington101



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game), SpongeBob SquarePants (Cartoon)
Genre: Canon-Typical Violence, Crack, Crossover, Gen, I'm Sorry, On Top of Crack, Post-Canon, Post-Pacifist Best Ending (Detroit: Become Human)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2018-07-23
Packaged: 2019-06-14 20:59:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15397326
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skellington101/pseuds/Skellington101
Summary: It's cursed, but oh well





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It's cursed, but oh well

Ah, America. So mysterious, so beautiful. So...uh...free. 

 

Our story begins in Detroit’s most unpopular branch of government, the Detroit Police Department, where…

 

Police surround the area, cordoned off by holographic yellow tape. One of them shouts at crowding reporters, “Back off! Back off!” 

 

Hey, wait a minute. What is happening?

 

Hank shouts out, “Please settle down! We’ve got a situation in there. I’d rather not discuss ‘till me partner gets here!”

 

A female reporter shouts out, “Look, there he is!” A sleek black vehicle pulls up to the curve, flames painted along the side. Connor climbs out, wearing his Cyberlife uniform and blowing a bubble with bubble gum. 

 

“Talk to me, Lieutenant.” They both begin pacing towards the entrance of the police station.

 

“Oh. It started out as a simple interrogation: the android had blue blood all over him. But when they went to collect a confession, there was a bomb strapped around his chest.” Hank begins sobbing hysterically, but Connor steps up and slaps him hard across the face. 

 

“Get a hold of yourself, Hank. I’m going in.” Connor walks up and slams the doors wide open. He strides through the empty police station and comes to rest at the first interrogation room. Taking a breath, he enters.

 

A nervous android is trembling at the table, wires and C-4 crisscrossing his chest. “Take it easy, friend. I’m the android detective of this establishment.” He said soothingly. 

 

Connor sets a briefcase down at the metal table and begins to open it. “Everything’s gonna be just fine.”

 

The android struggles to stay upright. “I’m really scared here, man.” 

 

Connor tries to keep him talking. “You got a name?”

 

The android blurts out, “Phil.”

 

“You got a family, Phil?” Phil chokes over his words as Connor snaps on a pair of latex gloves. He snaps his fingers to get Phil’s attention. 

 

“Come on, Phil, stay with me. Let’s hear about that family.”

 

“I got a wife,” He begins. “And two beautiful children.”

 

Connor slips on a headset, “That’s what it’s all about. I want you to do me a favor, Phil.”

 

“What?” Phil questioned. 

 

The android detective pulls out a pair of pliers and picks out a wire from the bomb. “Say ‘deviant’.”

 

Outside, the crowd is silent as they try to glean what is happening inside the station. Connor kicks the door open, the android sitting in his arms. The crowd gasps in disbelief, and the victim is free of the bomb. 

 

“Mission accomplished,” He states proudly.

 

The crowd rushes in and picks him up off his feet. “Three cheers for the deviant detective! Hip! Hip!  _ HOOONK! _ Hip! Hip!  _ HOOONK! _ ” 


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> REGRET. Also, Connor's beautiful prototype ass! Markus' too!

The noise continues and Connor wakes up in his bed with his alarm blaring. He reaches over excitedly and turns it off.

 

“Hooray! Sumo! I had that dream again! And it’s finally going to come true! Sorry about this calendar.” He sprints over to where a calendar is hanging on the wall and tears off the next page to reveal the date, March 7th. The police station symbol and name are drawn on the calendar page with rainbows and hearts around it.

 

“Because today is the reopening of the Detroit Police Department, where Hank and Fowler will rehire me as a detective!”

 

Sumo says, “Meow.” 

 

“Who’s it gonna be, Sumo? Well, let’s ask my wall of 50 other predecessors.”  On the wall is 50 portraits of the 50 other models sent by Cyberlife.

 

In unison, they all shout, “Connor!”

 

“I’m ready! Promotion,” He mutters to himself as he gets ready for the day. He waddles to the shower, decking out in green flippers and an orange floaty circling his waist. He munches on a bar of soap and bubbles come pouring out of every pore of his body. Stepping out of the shower, he picks out a suit from 30 other identical suits. Using a toothbrush and toothpaste, he cleans out his eyes and rinses them off. “Cleanliness is next to detective-liness.” 

 

Connor sprints outside and shouts, “I’m ready! Reinstatement! I’m ready! Reinstatement!”

 

Inside his apartment, Gavin Reed is showering in his home and quietly singing to himself. 

 

“La da dee, la da doo, la da dum~! La da dee, la da doo, la da dum~!”

 

Another voice joins him, “La da dee, la da doo, la da dum~! La da dee, la da doo, la da dum~!”

 

“Huh?” Gavin looks behind him to see Connor, sopping wet in his uniform and standing behind him with the brush and cleaning his back.

 

Connor continues humming without a care, “...ee, la da doo, la da dum, Bum Bum Bum, Da da da…” Gavin screeches and pulls the pink shower curtain to cover himself.

 

“Connor! What are you  _ doing _ in here?!” 

 

Connor smiles, “I have something to tell you, Gavin.” 

 

“Whatever it is, can’t it wait until we get to work, you plastic fuck?!,” he yells incredulously.

 

The android looks at him confused, “There’s no shower at work.”

 

Gavin sighs in frustration, “What do you want!?”

 

Connor smiles, “I just wanted to say I’ll be thanking you when I am reinstated for the DPD today.”

 

“GET OUT!” Connor slams into the concrete below the window, as Gavin successfully defenestrates the android. Glass sticks into his face and he shouts up to the detective.

 

“Okay! I’ll see you at the ceremony!”

 

On his stroll to the Detroit Police Department, he stops by New Jericho, where Markus was emerging from. 

 

“That sounds like the android detective of the Detroit Police Department!” The android savior looks down and realizes he’s forgotten his signature beige trenchcoat. “Oops, hold on.” Once he comes back, the coat freshly washed and clean. “Congratulations, Buddy!” 

 

“Oh, thanks, Markus. And tonight, after my big rehiring, we’re gonna party till we’re purple.” 

 

Markus grinned, “Oh, I love being purple!” 

 

“We’re going to the place where all the action is,” Connor smirks.

 

“You don’t mean…”

 

“Oh, I mean...”

 

They both say in unison, “ Goofy Goober's Ice Cream Party Boat!” 

 

They race into Jericho and put on Goofy Goober party hats and pull out a record player with a record set on it. 

 

The record begins playing as they sing, “Oh, I'm a Goofy Goober, yeah~! You're a Goofy Goober, yeah~!” They both start bouncing on hyperinflated asses and to the rhythm of the music.

 

“We're all Goofy Goobers, yeah~! Goofy, goofy, goober, goober, yeah~!

 

Connor glances down at a watch on his wrist that he doesn’t need and exclaims, “I’d better get going! I’m ready! Reinstatement! I’m ready…” And his voice fades into the distance as Markus shouts at him.

 

“Good luck, SpongeBob! Hey, look for me at the ceremony! I got a little surprise for you! I'm a Goofy Goober, yeah~!” Markus bounces off on his delicious booty and out of the frame.  

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soon...There will be another...

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed! The next chapter will be posted soon!


End file.
